Winter holidays can often make the normal complexities of stepfamily life seem insignificant compared to the logistics of sharing children at this special time of year. Parents after a divorce often feel torn between the desire to have the time with their children all to themselves, and the need to sacrifice some of that time so that their former spouse can have a reasonable share of the holiday hours. For many the loss of their children for hours or an entire day during this season is immensely difficult. The pain following a divorce of the loss of the marriage and prior family structure can activate just when one thought that the grief process had been completed. Learning to be mindful of the purpose of the holiday and to detach from the very human emotions of possessiveness, jealousy, envy, resentment, hurt, and competitiveness can be a difficult process. It is also a spiritual and psychological growth process for all. Sharing the time with your children with your former spouse after a divorce is a gift to them. Children who live with the awareness of how bitter, hurt, and angry parents can be when they have to share their holiday hours with the other parent often grow into adults who find the holidays tense and unpleasant, filled with guilt feelings decades later. One of the first tasks is to let go of the fantasies about what a holiday “should” look like. Be creative about new traditions which meet the needs of stepfamily life. One parent and their stepfamily can open presents Christmas Eve, another Christmas Day. One can go to midnight services; another can enjoy a special event on Christmas afternoon. If you are in a stepfamily where holidays are shared on alternate years, make sure that the year you do not have your children you have something special plans for yourself. Being a martyr and indicating to your children how miserable you are going to be without them will make the entire holiday a guilt ridden misery for all involved, and the long term outcome may be having adult children who would rather avoid the holidays or spend them with new in-laws who do not trigger old painful memories of conflict and guilt. Remember what you are developing as a personal family mythology. Is it fun and love is the theme of the holidays or guilt and conflict?
This can be a difficult stretch for all involved to stay focused on the meaning of the holidays and be willing to quietly accept the sacrifices involved so that both parents can be happily involved with their children. Some decide that it is more important to spend the maximum number of hours with their children even though that may mean accepting that a former spouse and their new partner will now be present; they learn to care about the new stepparent figure in their children’s lives and grow past jealous or angry/hurt feelings. This may not be possible in most cases, but thoughtful effort to be as considerate and honoring of the needs and concerns of all involved makes for both a present day pay off of a happier holiday and for a long term benefit of all involved enjoying holidays for years to come.
The sadness that can occur years and decades later when people who escalated their angry fights with a former spouse during the holidays now realize that their grown children have no good memories of holidays, and would rather not come home, but prefer to spend holidays with happier families, or friends is painful to watch as a therapist, but it is understandable. The emotional tones you establish for holidays with resonate for years and decades to come.
There is more information about holiday planning on the resources pages of the web site stepwisdom.com. You are more than welcome to download and copy any of it if it appears helpful.
If you have a member of a stepfamily on your holiday shopping list, I hope you will consider buying the book StepWisdom for them. Whether they are a stepparent, stepchild, or stepsibling, or someone who is considering becoming such in a new relationship there will hopefully be some useful ideas which will encourage success in their relationships and pride in their status.
