StepWisdom Blog

Parenting for social change with Teresa Brett

Eleanor — Wed, 29 Feb 2012 19:16:57 +0000

Friday at 10 AM Pacific Time on VoiceAmerica Variety Channel

StepWisdom

Transforming Childhood to Transform the World’ Parenting for Social Change with Teresa Brett
March 2, 2012
Teresa Brett will join us on StepWisdom to share her work on cultural attitudes toward parenting children. Outdated attitudes that have shaped how many adults were raised are re-examined in light of new research. She clearly describes old parenting rules about controlling children with fear and guilt tactics. Her book challenges all that is best in parents: the love, commitment, the power we have to nurture, protect, support and guide with more effective parenting skills and strategies. From control to empowerment, from punishment to honor and respect, there are ways to parent that creates successful, kinder, more relational adults. Adults less concerned with “what other people will think,” than with truth, being just, and honoring others with dignity and respect. If our culture is going to be able to adapt to the diverse challenges of the next century and reduce the conflicts based on fear and guilt, we need to reexamine how people experience the world as children. Learn More »

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Log on to Listen: www.voiceamerica.com; you can also listen to all the shows after the show has been live recorded at you convenience on Stepwisdom.com web site under Radio tab

Claudia Black, PHD on StepWisdom on her new book: Deceived

Eleanor — Wed, 01 Feb 2012 21:56:49 +0000

Deceived: Recovering after Infidelity: Healing the Marriage, or Beginning the Process for a Healthy StepFamily

January 20, 2012

Claudia Black, PhD, will be joining StepWisdom on Friday January 20th to discuss her ground breaking work in her book, Deceived. Divorces often follow infidelity and the foundation for a future stepfamily is then begun when one partner is unfaithful. Recovering from the pain and damage to self-esteem that can occur is tremendously important not only for the partners to move on to other relationships, but for stepfamilies to function at their best. Healthy step-families need parental figures who treat each other with respect or at least old fashioned good manners. However, the emotional upheavals that so often occur after finding out about an affair or infidelity can make it exceedingly difficult to re-establish a respectful communication system. Even years after a divorce, a former spouse’s new relationship can elicit rage and jealousy impeding healthy communication. Claudia’s work is tremendously important whether saving a marriage or developing a successful stepfamily

StepWisdom Radio: Co-parenting with Wendy Conquest, LPC

Eleanor — Wed, 01 Feb 2012 21:48:01 +0000

StepWisdom

Parenting, Co-Parenting, Step-Parenting: Different Skills and Increasing Challenge
January 13, 2012
Parenting style differences can be source of stress and conflict in the happiest of families. This conflict often increases as people unravel a marriage and develop separate homes with different rules and rituals. The challenges of co-parenting can be complex and complicated. However, children who experience the losses of their parent’s divorce while feeling loved and supported by two separate homes become the vast majority of those from divorced families who become successful happy adults. The research on the 15% of children of divorce who as adults suffer from significant emotional problems apparently is related to quality of the co-parenting and the ability of parents to cooperate respectfully. Step-parenting adds to the complexity as it adds one or two more parental figures to the kinship system. Wendy Conquest whose dynamic classes have been immense success in teaching co-parents and step-parents skills which allow children and adults to thrive, will join us today on StepWisdom. Learn More »

Missed the Live Shows? Past Episodes are available On Demand and Podcast Ready.

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StepWisdom

Log on to Listen: www.voiceamerica.com

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December 30 Radio show New year’s Communication Skills

Eleanor — Thu, 22 Dec 2011 19:11:45 +0000

Friday at 10 AM Pacific Time on VoiceAmerica Variety Channel

StepWisdom

New Year’s Resolutions for StepFamily Life: Keeping the Love Alive!
December 30, 2011
Kathy Higgins, MA will join the Eleanor Alden today to talk about ways to reduce friction and resolve times of hurt and anger in a constructive way. She is a therapist and teacher who works with many modalities including Dialectic Behavior Therapy (DBT) and Mindfulness Methods to increase constructive communication and improve relationships in families, between couples, and with members of stepfamilies. Do you ever feel that “you were beside yourself” and said things which were more hurtful than constructive? Is there someone else in the stepfamily who does that often enough that it is harmful to family life? Is it hard to communicate successfully with a former spouse? DBT and Mindfulness are therapies which have shown remarkable results in turning highly emotionally charged communication into constructive problem solving, and increased empathy and understanding within stepfamilies. Join us to talk about ground breaking methods and therapies which have given hope to so many. Learn More »

Missed the Live Shows? Past Episodes are available On Demand and Podcast Ready.

Listen Live to VoiceAmerica Variety

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StepWisdom

Log on to Listen: www.voiceamerica.com

Questions? Comments? Call: 1-866-472-5788

Radio show on Voice America December 23

Eleanor — Wed, 21 Dec 2011 21:11:27 +0000

Friday at 10 AM Pacific Time on VoiceAmerica Variety Channel

StepWisdom

How to make your holidays happier and less stressful with a stepfamily!
December 23, 2011
Are you like one-third of the people in the U.S., i.e., in a blended or stepfamily celebrating the holiday season and looking for some support and/or solutions? The holidays can bring about challenging situations for families in general, but this season can be particularly stressful for blended and stepfamilies. Join Eleanor Alden and her guest Paula Bisacre, publisher of www.RemarriageWorks.com, the go-to resource for remarriage and stepfamily living, as they discuss some helpful ways to make your holidays stress-free and happy! Learn More »

Missed the Live Shows? Past Episodes are available On Demand and Podcast Ready.

Listen Live to VoiceAmerica Variety

Be sure to tune into
StepWisdom

Log on to Listen: www.voiceamerica.com

Questions? Comments? Call: 1-866-472-5788

Stepfamilies and Holidays can be successful

Eleanor — Thu, 15 Dec 2011 00:21:16 +0000

Friday at 10 AM Pacific Time on VoiceAmerica Variety Channel

StepWisdom
Stepping into the holidays: “How to enjoy your stepfamily and have a successful holiday!
December 16, 2011
Holidays are challenging times when StepFamilies are involved. Holidays can be successful. They can be a time of celebrating with each person being honored and included in some of the multiple activities planned by various kin groups, or every they can be a nightmare of hurt feelings, disappointments, with some people being excluded and hurt and angry. This show will focus on handling the planned events such as dinners, religious services, picnics, and family traditions. If the planning by all is managed with a willingness to truly honor the needs and wants of each individual and each stepfamily grouping, it can be a series of events with all feeling included It may seem that one parent may have the best intentions in the world and another appears to be determined to spoil any attempts to make the holidays a happy success. Being creative and holding the spirit of the season in balance with personal wishes is a complex challenge, but it can be successful with some planning. Learn More »

Missed the Live Shows? Past Episodes are available On Demand and Podcast Ready.

StepWisdom the Radio Show

Eleanor — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 16:23:06 +0000

VoiceAmerica.com has sent out an announcement regarding the show I will be hosting on Friday mornings — 10:00 AM Pacific Time, 1:00 PM East Coast time. It begins December 9, 2011. I will be talking, answering phone in questions, and responding to e-mails regarding to topic of StepFamilies.
Announcement: About the Show: Half the Children in the United States will have at least one stepparent before they are fifteen. So it is likely that everyone in the western world will either be a stepparent, a stepchild, or be in a family with such relationships. We all know them, live with them, work with them, and the vast majority of them are happy, relational, successful people. History tells us that stepfamilies have always been with us, and that most children throughout history have been raised with stepparents.
This show looks at what works and well, and what doesn’t in the complicated, complex, challenging, and often rewarding world of step-relationships. History and present day research on families often seem to point to the same wisdom showing archetypal patterns of family interaction that makes some successful, and some disastrous. Tune in to StepWisdom, broadcast live every Friday at 10 AM Pacific Time on the VoiceAmerica Variety Channel.
You can send an e-mail with a question for the show to eleanor@stepwisdom.com, or call the internet radio show live at 866-472-5788 — while I am on the air.
to find channel on Friday: go to www.voiceamerica.com and check into the Variety channel. If that hour is not convenient, the show is available as a recording: archived at the show’s website later on in the week.
Hope to hear from you!

Children of Divorce and Suicide Ideation; it is not the divorce that harms!

Eleanor — Thu, 27 Jan 2011 14:17:05 +0000

The headlines over the past week about suicide ideation for children of divorce have certainly been spectacular, and if one goes no further than the headlines, they are very concerning. Boys and girls whose parents are divorced have three times the rate of suicidal thoughts and plans than those children in homes where their biological parents are still present and married. I have a Google search for such information and comments and articles based on this research popped up all over the place.
Yet, in looking at the research the headline is not supported in any meaningful way. When all that was looked at was divorce the statistics stood unchallenged. However, when child abuse, addictions, and violence were factored in the suicidal ideation among girls whose parents were or were not divorced showed NO difference. So what made the significant difference for girls was abuse, sexual and otherwise, parents with addictions to alcohol and/or drugs, and violence in the home. Since families with those problems are more likely to end up in divorce the outcomes of the research are predictable. Bad behavior by parents harms children, not matter what the marital status. The research proved that, which has been proven repeatedly by older studies.
Then there was the group of boys. When factoring in abuse and addictions the rate of suicidal ideation still was at 17% among the divorced parents group, and just over 5% for those boys whose first family was still intact. Again this sounds like new information of deep concern. Then there is an “oops”. What seems to be true is that the suicidal ideation goes up among the group of boys whose fathers have abandoned them. Only study boys whose fathers, divorced or not, are present in their lives in a meaningful loving way, and the suicide ideation lowers dramatically? Back to no difference between boys with divorced parents or not!
So why don’t the headlines read: Children whose parents are abusive or addicted or abandon them are three times more likely to have suicidal ideation than those whose parents are present in their lives and lovingly supportive and responsible. Maybe because that makes sense, just good old common sense, and doesn’t sound as sensational. It also doesn’t fit into our cultural love of scape-goating external events for our own problems. Divorce doesn’t harm children, it can be painful for all but most heal and are stronger for it. Divorce doesn’t harm children, parents and adults who impact their lives do the harm. I also think that cultural attitudes fueled by these kinds of headlines harm self-esteem, and are remarkably unhelpful to parents and children alike. The study once you get past the sensational headline actually makes a great statement demanding parents be responsible for their own behavior around children. No excuses that the “divorce did it. “
A somewhat sad, somewhat encouraging comment about the research was that even though suicide rates for children of divorce was three times higher than the norm; it still was less that 1 out of every five children whose parents divorced. I am guessing that more research needs to be done, but at first reading it looks like that children whose parents divorce respectfully of each other and their children, whose father’s stay involved, and who live without violence and abuse — for that group suicidal ideation is not a bigger issue than for those children whose families are intact. That is research I would like to see done!

Holiday planning and StepFamilies and Children of a Divorce

Eleanor — Sat, 04 Dec 2010 18:19:27 +0000

Winter holidays can often make the normal complexities of stepfamily life seem insignificant compared to the logistics of sharing children at this special time of year. Parents after a divorce often feel torn between the desire to have the time with their children all to themselves, and the need to sacrifice some of that time so that their former spouse can have a reasonable share of the holiday hours. For many the loss of their children for hours or an entire day during this season is immensely difficult. The pain following a divorce of the loss of the marriage and prior family structure can activate just when one thought that the grief process had been completed. Learning to be mindful of the purpose of the holiday and to detach from the very human emotions of possessiveness, jealousy, envy, resentment, hurt, and competitiveness can be a difficult process. It is also a spiritual and psychological growth process for all. Sharing the time with your children with your former spouse after a divorce is a gift to them. Children who live with the awareness of how bitter, hurt, and angry parents can be when they have to share their holiday hours with the other parent often grow into adults who find the holidays tense and unpleasant, filled with guilt feelings decades later. One of the first tasks is to let go of the fantasies about what a holiday “should” look like. Be creative about new traditions which meet the needs of stepfamily life. One parent and their stepfamily can open presents Christmas Eve, another Christmas Day. One can go to midnight services; another can enjoy a special event on Christmas afternoon. If you are in a stepfamily where holidays are shared on alternate years, make sure that the year you do not have your children you have something special plans for yourself. Being a martyr and indicating to your children how miserable you are going to be without them will make the entire holiday a guilt ridden misery for all involved, and the long term outcome may be having adult children who would rather avoid the holidays or spend them with new in-laws who do not trigger old painful memories of conflict and guilt. Remember what you are developing as a personal family mythology. Is it fun and love is the theme of the holidays or guilt and conflict?

This can be a difficult stretch for all involved to stay focused on the meaning of the holidays and be willing to quietly accept the sacrifices involved so that both parents can be happily involved with their children. Some decide that it is more important to spend the maximum number of hours with their children even though that may mean accepting that a former spouse and their new partner will now be present; they learn to care about the new stepparent figure in their children’s lives and grow past jealous or angry/hurt feelings. This may not be possible in most cases, but thoughtful effort to be as considerate and honoring of the needs and concerns of all involved makes for both a present day pay off of a happier holiday and for a long term benefit of all involved enjoying holidays for years to come.

The sadness that can occur years and decades later when people who escalated their angry fights with a former spouse during the holidays now realize that their grown children have no good memories of holidays, and would rather not come home, but prefer to spend holidays with happier families, or friends is painful to watch as a therapist, but it is understandable. The emotional tones you establish for holidays with resonate for years and decades to come.

There is more information about holiday planning on the resources pages of the web site stepwisdom.com. You are more than welcome to download and copy any of it if it appears helpful.

If you have a member of a stepfamily on your holiday shopping list, I hope you will consider buying the book StepWisdom for them. Whether they are a stepparent, stepchild, or stepsibling, or someone who is considering becoming such in a new relationship there will hopefully be some useful ideas which will encourage success in their relationships and pride in their status.

Divorce and successful children

Eleanor — Thu, 11 Nov 2010 14:27:14 +0000

Part of the mythology about divorce and children, about stepfamily outcomes, has been driven by research projects which I believe are unfairly biased before they start. When one is comparing children from divorced families to children from non-divorced families you are comparing children from marriages that to varying degrees became toxic to the bilogical parents to a mixed group of destructive and non-destructive marriages. 100% of divorced people came to a place where they were no longer loving, respectful, cherishing, and honoring of each other as marriage partners. The non-divorced parental group includes parental partners from two groups: those who do and those who do not honor, love, cherish, or respect each other as marital parents. In the 42 years I have been working with stepfamilies I have not found that the label “divorced” determined how the children faired. Toxic relationships of all sorts harm children. The difficulty for researchers is that separating the families who are not divorced and in deeply conflictual dis-respectful relationships from those who still love, honor and cherish each other even through hard times is practically impossible. I know of many marriages that look wonderful from the outside, and whose partners put on a very happy face to the world. In the public eye all of us went from hearing Sandra Bullock’s marriage to Jesse James held up to the world as a model marriage prior to the scandals. Tiger Woods and his wife looked like a happy marriage until the limelight hit it. Doing research which can weed out happy families and marriages from those marriages in which the adults are “divorced emotionally” from each other is very difficult. But there are determined researchers who are working to see if we can find a way to look at long term studies on children being raised in loving homes no matter what the marital status and those being raised in toxic homes, again no matter what the marital status. The research is coming in slowly, but it validates the thousands of anecdotal experiences of so many therapists. Toxic relationships cause the harm.
Success in adult life is often measured by how many friends one has, how many colleagues respect your work, how many people you care about deeply, the amount of mutual respect you have with other people. Stepfamilies can be the perfect schooling for an expansive model of loving and honoring the world around you and those who are not biologically related.
There is a wonderful article about one of the pieces of research at http://nebraskadatingservices.zoosiab.com/help-for-single-moms-parents-and-children-what-happens-after-divorce.html.

practically impossible. I know of many marriages that look wonderful from the outside, and whose partners put on a very happy face to the world. In the public eye all of us went from hearing Sandra Bullock’s marriage to Jesse James held up to the world as a model marriage prior to the scandals. Tiger Woods and his wife looked like a happy marriage until the limelight hit it. So some of this work does not lend itself well to large studies. But there are determined researchers who are working to see if we can find a way to look at long term studies on children being raised in loving homes no matter what the marital status and those being raised in toxic homes, again no matter what the marital status. The research is coming in slowly, but it validates the thousands of anecdotal experiences of so many therapists. Toxic relationships cause the harm. Success in adult life is often measured by how many friends one has, how many colleagues respect your work, how many people you know and care about deeply. Stepfamilies can be the perfect schooling for an expansive model of loving and honoring the world around you and those who are not biologically related. Perhaps we should do more research on what makes so many stepfamilies so successful and less on trying to validate a cultural fear and aversion to divorce. Is it so far from common sense that we need a lot of research to know that people who are loving and compassionate are good for children, and that happy loving parents are too?
There is a wonderful article about one of the pieces of research at http://nebraskadatingservices.zoosiab.com/help-for-single-moms-parents-and-children-what-happens-after-divorce.html.